Tag Archive | Fear

Finding a new beginning

I know it has been quite awhile since I have blogged partly from being busy and partly from being  really discouraged. I think only someone who has dealt with chronic illness can understand how I have been feeling over the last  four months.

I have taken a break from my family which is really a painful thing to do but it seems I upset them by just being me. My sister and my father have admitted to me that they resent the way my illness had interrupted their lives when I was younger and they  no longer want to be inconvenienced  by me any longer. As my father so aptly put it was the only relationship he wanted with me is a casual visit once or twice a year. Despite hearing this I did still tried to keep the relationships going untill I found out they were no longer inviting me to birthdays because my work schedule made it to inconvenient for them to include me

I was shocked to hear this confession but what can I do I can’t change the way I am .

My church family was upset with me because they were all into faith healing and they were angry with me because I could not be healed. They started telling me I was full of sin and that’s why I could not be healed not even the pastor would come to see me in the hospital even though he visited others when they were sick. When my doctor prescribed a service dog for me the pastor refused to let me bring her even though there was another person in the church with a service dog.

Since that experience It has been hard to find another church that I feel comfortable in. I still believed in Jesus Christ but I am not so sure about his church . It seems that I am losing faith in my fellow-man but at least I still had my husband who I love and my service dog. I was once an outgoing person who loved God and the church but I have been so ravaged by poor health and unkind people that I have little desire to go back to the outside world and interact with people again. I think what has hurt me the most is how angry people are that I can’t live up to their expectations no matter how hard I try . And to tell you the truth I am sick of trying.

We have finally found another church that is very accepting of my service dog so I will attend and see how it goes. One good thing about having Riley as my service dog is at least when people approach me they focus on the dog and not me which makes conversation a bit easier.

When I was sick the drugs I was on made me gain a ton of weight which really changed the way I looked and I could not believe how badly my fellow church family handled it. Even when I explained to them I was not gaining weight because of what I was eating some people still would not believe it. I even had one person come up to me and say I am praying for you to change your eating habits. I was so embarrassed. I felt so bad about the weight that I stopped looking in mirrors and when I approached people I knew I could actually see the shocked look on their faces so I stopped looking up and just kept my head down when people walked by.

Now when I go out Riley helps me to walk but she also is helping to heal another deeper wound. I had lost all confidence in myself and interacting with others had become hard. Now when I am with Riley people are happy to see her and they smile which makes life a little bit easier for me.

This is a picture of me after finishing off  a final round of steroids and it will give you a bit of an idea of how swollen my face  was although when this picture was taken a lot of the swelling had already gone down. The red little dots you see under me eyes at the top of my cheeks is blistering rosacea which I developed and still have from coming off the steroids. They are painful little sores that can itch and bleed though the cream they gave me does make it better.

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The next picture of me is with Riley near Christmas. Even though I am finished the drugs the weight is very slow in coming down and because walking is so painful and I am having trouble breathing exercise is very hard but with Riley I am trying ! Together we are starting over, a new beginning if you will. One in which I hope to learn to love myself and focus only on pleasing God and not worrying so much about what others think of me. And with God’s help this might lead to a new kind of peace for me and a new way of life.

 

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Disease

Once again I have caught another respiratory flu that has inflamed my lungs. This is the second  winter in a row that a flu virus has taken hold of me despite taking the recommended precautions and flu shots. This time was a little more scary as it took almost two weeks of hospital visits to get me  and my lungs on the road to recovery.  But despite the intense fear that comes with not being able to breathe I also have the support of a great and awesome God that knew how to step in and comfort me and encourage me when I am in a very dark place. He is my faithful Shepherd that always shines His light and leads me home. I thank God that I am one of his sheep and I do hear His voice that comes calling for me.

 

 

Psalm 46:10

Be still and know that I am God:

I will be exalted among the nations

I will be exalted in the earth

 

Exodus 15:13

In your unfailing love you will lead the people you

have redeemed. In your strength you will guide them to your

holy dwelling

 

Disease

In the midst of this chaos I lose sight of You and I am afraid

That the constant pressure to conform to this world, will win the day

That I will have to give up my dreams because of poor health

Disease has come calling, with great cunning and great stealth

My fight is desperate and it takes my breath away, I feel faint

Engulfing heat rushes over me, swallowing up your soul weary saint

I hear my ragged breathing search for a taste of cool clean air

Panic wells up, as the pain punches through, it’s getting harder to bare

And for a minute I forget, I am still struggling for air

Than a whisper is heard, be still and know I am God, I am here

This too will pass  my child ,you have nothing here to fear

Focus on me so I can take away this burden

My love is constant in this you can be certain

Trust my love through the pain and my healing you’ll gain

Know I’ll never leave you and you don’t fight alone

I go before you, I’ll lead you home

No dreams have to be surrendered if your living life through me

For with God nothing is impossible, even chronic disease

 

TO GO OR NOT TO GO

Now to him who is able to do

immeasurably more than all we ask or

imagine, according to his power that is

at work in us – Ephesians 3:20

 

Sometimes nights would be unbearable with out know that the Lord will never leave me or forsake me and that he always loves me no matter where I sit in the eyes men. He is my constant companion as I await the coming dawn during a sleepless night and I draw my comfort from his strength

 

Here I sit and play the wait and see game with my lungs. I am once more locked in my bedroom with the air conditioner humming in the background and once again I take solace in my ability to write. I just hate sitting here wondering is it going to get any harder to breathe What if I wait to long. Four weeks ago I waited a bit too long and it was a horrible half hour car ride  to the hospital and my body became so distress it triggered a Chron’s disease attack which left me totally soak in liquid crap. And the doctor had to run masks every two hours for the rest of the night. So you can imagine I would not like to go through this again so thinking I was being smart when my chest flared up I left for the hospital earlier trying to get a mask treatment before things got out of control. Seems reasonable right? Well not according to some doctor’s and nurses in the ER who just don’t believe that your chest can be tight if you’re not wheezing. After the last stint at the ER I went in to see my doctor and asked can you have an asthma attack and not wheeze and she told me half her patients don’t wheeze. I am going to see her on Wed next and I am gong to ask her to write a note for the ER dept explaining that many of her asthma patients do not wheeze. But tonight I play the agonizing game of should I go or should I stay. We went in for a mask last week and they treated every single patient in the ER room and I was the last person to be seen after a four-hour wait. The second last patient was I am not kidding a cat scratch. I watched them put antibiotic cream on it and give a prescription for antibiotics. I just shook my head. I know part of it is my fault because I know I have to keep myself calm so I do this by reading or writing and I guess to them it looks like it doesn’t bother me but I would not come to the ER and sit for four hours if there was no problem.

Doctors have incredible abilities to heal and fix the human body and I know their job is difficult but they also have the ability to wound a patient sometimes scarring them emotionally and inflicting even more pain leaving the patient feeling worse than when they went in. There have been many a nights while growing up inside hospital walls that I have cried myself to sleep over insensitive comments.  In Dec I went in to an ER(different hospital) because I had a tooth taken out and I react to the effenefren in the freezing and sometimes it makes my heartbeat funny. (My dentist uses another kind of freezing on me now ) I was having chest pain and feeling nauseated so we stopped in just to have it checked out the ER was empty the nurse came in ran a strip to check my heart than the doctor came in and said everything was fine. He than proceeded to tell that maybe if I brushed my teeth more often they would not fall out. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I just sat there in shock and felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. The reason I am having trouble with my teeth is the medication I am on is causing dry mouth and my dentist explained your saliva has antibacterial properties in it to aid in the prevention of decay and infection when you don’t  have that saliva anymore it puts you at risk. Who knew not me. He has since prescribed something to help but there was absolutely no reason for that Doctor to lash out at me. And I cried on the way home because I just can’t believe people can be so mean.

I just felt so humiliated when I left last  the hospital last week I don’t want to go back for round two so here I sit the only thing that helps me through this is that I have a Loving Savior in Christ who even at this moment is watching over me believe the Lord is the only reason I get through these down days

I wrote this while I was enduring the last 4 hour wait at the emerge and it probably does not have a lot of the grace a Christian should give but it was all I could muster at the time

The Patient’s Lament

Doctor Doctor can you hear

People’ Angst’s and ardent  fear

Do your eyes well up with tender care

Or do you push them through without thought to the pain they bare

Doctor Doctor-have you been in their shoes

Or have the tables been turned and their illness has become your blues

When they file in one by one do you really believe

The situation they live or just the facts you see

Were you gentle and patient or did you fill them with shame

Or did you look down your nose and  handed out blame

Why are you here wasting my time

Your breathing’s not wheezy

There is no problem to find

A nurse calls from the door and another flock surges in

They don’t stop long enough to watch the people struggle in what a sin

Some so unsteady they nearly teeter and fall

Thank goodness their love one’s attentive and on the ball

I know there are some who remember the vow that they took

And go the extra mile to fight off  diseases and deaths they first learned from medical books

These doctor’s that go the extra mile may never know,  the difference they have made in one’s life

That they replaced fear with caring and comfort, their compassion took the sting from the night

But as for the other’s I pray as they work out their calling

That they open their eyes and really see it’s a person that’s fallen

I pray that they would treat them with great care  and oh so much grace

Instead of arrogant disdain spoke right to their face

I’ve seen  some of late lash into a patient with the intent to wound  and to hurt

Because they think the patient is wasting their time so they treat them like dirt

Doctor Doctor was your mind-set , out to make them think twice

Before they seek out your hospital for medical advise

Because if you’re not careful you might find your self wrong

But it might be too late for the patient they’ve already passed on