Archive | July 2014

Who is this Creator God


My breathing has on the whole been better this week. Praise the Lord.  My Chron’s disease is active and when that happens the fibromyalgia kicks up giving my pain in my lower back. I have been working through the pain by working around the house trying to move so I won’t stiffen up. When someone with this problem stops moving that’s when the stiffness and pain set in and then you have a real battle on your hand.

It’s a dull day on the farm and although it’s not hot the air is still humid . I was in two much pain to take the kittens to the farmers market where I usually find home for the them.

Spent time brushing out the dogs who are blowing coat and went to feed the cats outside. The skies are grey and it looks like  a storm is approaching. I love to look up at the huge pine trees with their boughs blowing in the breeze it makes me feel small and insignificant and I wonder why the Lord is so good to me


Who is this Creator God


Who is this thy creator God who made all things far and wide

Who calls my name and leads me home , he always by my side

He clothed me in white garments that will never ever stain

And with his words he teaches me my efforts won’t be in vain

On the days that I have had enough and some shelter I must find

I climb underneath his wings of love and my wounds he’ll tend and bind

After strengthening me he puts my feet back on the ground

And gives me a peace above all peace and I can see light all around

He ‘s provided a home for me and the best husband far & wide

And these are just a few things that he’s given me that I never thought I’d find

He listen’s to my heart and he knows my every dream

And gives to this poor pauper Joy, that runs through me like a living stream



Now to him who is able to do

immeasurably more than all we ask or

imagine, according to his power that is

at work in us – Ephesians 3:20


Sometimes nights would be unbearable with out know that the Lord will never leave me or forsake me and that he always loves me no matter where I sit in the eyes men. He is my constant companion as I await the coming dawn during a sleepless night and I draw my comfort from his strength


Here I sit and play the wait and see game with my lungs. I am once more locked in my bedroom with the air conditioner humming in the background and once again I take solace in my ability to write. I just hate sitting here wondering is it going to get any harder to breathe What if I wait to long. Four weeks ago I waited a bit too long and it was a horrible half hour car ride  to the hospital and my body became so distress it triggered a Chron’s disease attack which left me totally soak in liquid crap. And the doctor had to run masks every two hours for the rest of the night. So you can imagine I would not like to go through this again so thinking I was being smart when my chest flared up I left for the hospital earlier trying to get a mask treatment before things got out of control. Seems reasonable right? Well not according to some doctor’s and nurses in the ER who just don’t believe that your chest can be tight if you’re not wheezing. After the last stint at the ER I went in to see my doctor and asked can you have an asthma attack and not wheeze and she told me half her patients don’t wheeze. I am going to see her on Wed next and I am gong to ask her to write a note for the ER dept explaining that many of her asthma patients do not wheeze. But tonight I play the agonizing game of should I go or should I stay. We went in for a mask last week and they treated every single patient in the ER room and I was the last person to be seen after a four-hour wait. The second last patient was I am not kidding a cat scratch. I watched them put antibiotic cream on it and give a prescription for antibiotics. I just shook my head. I know part of it is my fault because I know I have to keep myself calm so I do this by reading or writing and I guess to them it looks like it doesn’t bother me but I would not come to the ER and sit for four hours if there was no problem.

Doctors have incredible abilities to heal and fix the human body and I know their job is difficult but they also have the ability to wound a patient sometimes scarring them emotionally and inflicting even more pain leaving the patient feeling worse than when they went in. There have been many a nights while growing up inside hospital walls that I have cried myself to sleep over insensitive comments.  In Dec I went in to an ER(different hospital) because I had a tooth taken out and I react to the effenefren in the freezing and sometimes it makes my heartbeat funny. (My dentist uses another kind of freezing on me now ) I was having chest pain and feeling nauseated so we stopped in just to have it checked out the ER was empty the nurse came in ran a strip to check my heart than the doctor came in and said everything was fine. He than proceeded to tell that maybe if I brushed my teeth more often they would not fall out. I felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I just sat there in shock and felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. The reason I am having trouble with my teeth is the medication I am on is causing dry mouth and my dentist explained your saliva has antibacterial properties in it to aid in the prevention of decay and infection when you don’t  have that saliva anymore it puts you at risk. Who knew not me. He has since prescribed something to help but there was absolutely no reason for that Doctor to lash out at me. And I cried on the way home because I just can’t believe people can be so mean.

I just felt so humiliated when I left last  the hospital last week I don’t want to go back for round two so here I sit the only thing that helps me through this is that I have a Loving Savior in Christ who even at this moment is watching over me believe the Lord is the only reason I get through these down days

I wrote this while I was enduring the last 4 hour wait at the emerge and it probably does not have a lot of the grace a Christian should give but it was all I could muster at the time

The Patient’s Lament

Doctor Doctor can you hear

People’ Angst’s and ardent  fear

Do your eyes well up with tender care

Or do you push them through without thought to the pain they bare

Doctor Doctor-have you been in their shoes

Or have the tables been turned and their illness has become your blues

When they file in one by one do you really believe

The situation they live or just the facts you see

Were you gentle and patient or did you fill them with shame

Or did you look down your nose and  handed out blame

Why are you here wasting my time

Your breathing’s not wheezy

There is no problem to find

A nurse calls from the door and another flock surges in

They don’t stop long enough to watch the people struggle in what a sin

Some so unsteady they nearly teeter and fall

Thank goodness their love one’s attentive and on the ball

I know there are some who remember the vow that they took

And go the extra mile to fight off  diseases and deaths they first learned from medical books

These doctor’s that go the extra mile may never know,  the difference they have made in one’s life

That they replaced fear with caring and comfort, their compassion took the sting from the night

But as for the other’s I pray as they work out their calling

That they open their eyes and really see it’s a person that’s fallen

I pray that they would treat them with great care  and oh so much grace

Instead of arrogant disdain spoke right to their face

I’ve seen  some of late lash into a patient with the intent to wound  and to hurt

Because they think the patient is wasting their time so they treat them like dirt

Doctor Doctor was your mind-set , out to make them think twice

Before they seek out your hospital for medical advise

Because if you’re not careful you might find your self wrong

But it might be too late for the patient they’ve already passed on




Perfection Awaites

Thank you  Lord for Your strength that carries me

Through all the anxiety when I can’t breathe

Your my remedy for all the things this world can’t fix

Your my path through this brokenness

I don’t know why I am going through this

But you promised to work it all for good, Your my bliss

Even though I long to be free of all the illness that plagues me

In Your faithfulness and truth I believe

I know this suffering doesn’t come from Your hand

It’s just a by-product of this sin cursed land

Nothing’s  perfect except for Your undying Love

And the hope I have, to live in Heaven above

I can’t wait to see You face to face

To say goodbye to pain and fear , save in your embrace

Lord how we’ll celebrate when I am finally home

When you delight my senses with gifts I have not sown

I can’t imagine the beauty that I will see

In your perfect gardens that I’ll explore with Thee

And I’ll rejoice in all the animals you created to bring us joy

As my eyes take in the wonders your hand deploys

To see all the Saints that will be my family, I can’t wait to see

Oh what a wonderous reunion that will be

And that’s how I get through these awful days

Because the hope I have in you makes them fade

For now its just something I take in stride

Knowing perfection awaits as time passes by

This last week has not been a good one for me having problems with chron’s disease, diabetes, asthma and fibromyalgia is not a cake walk. Not only is breathing hard but whenever I do anything I get terrible hot flashes and sweats my blood sugars are up to 13 still adjusting mediation which make me feel sick. I wrote this in the car while we were rushing to the hospital last night for another mask, I found writing helps me focus on something other than my breathing during the half hour ride to the hospital. Sorry I have not posted as much just too tired waiting to get in to see a lung specialist.